Finn cries if I leave him with someone he doesn't know WELL. So basically, we've had success leaving him with Grandma a couple of times, and a couple times a month, I leave him with my husband for a few hours to go to my women's group. He will not tolerate me leaving him in a nursery setting though. This really is not a problem except at church, where Finn cannot be in the service, but I'd like to be! Our church doesn't have one of those "mom rooms" where you can still participate in the service - they have a "nursing mothers room" if you want to call it that. It's a locker room off of a bathroom in the corner of the building where you can barely hear music if it's blaring. Most Sundays, I try to get him to nap while wearing him in a wrap, but as he gets bigger, this is getting harder! The hard part for me? Seeing people look at me and wonder what they are thinking. (This is a whole different blarticle - I know in my heart that all that matters is the truth.)
The Article is titled "Separation Anxiety?" The question mark is simply because this: my baby needs me; does it qualify as anxiety if the closeness is needed? They mention hunger anxiety - if a baby is hungry is this also an anxiety? Only in the case where food is denied routinely would it become an anxiety. God designed babies to NEED the closeness of their mommy for life and survival. Mommy has lunch, she has comfort and security and safety. The presence of this bond becomes even more important as babies become more mobile - they want to explore the world around them, but still be able to return to familiarity whenever they need to. Why do some babies tolerate separation better than others? They are different people for one. They might have a more adventurous spirit or they might have given up on pursuing what is best for them. When you force babies to be prematurely independent, after a while, they give up & stop listening, worse yet, stop trusting in that voice inside of them that is telling them to seek security. They lose their safety mechanism in effect.
Another thing that the article mentions, similar to when babies become mobile & they'll explore the room, but come back to you to touch base once in a while. Or like Finn, when he is being particularly adventurous, he'll want to nurse - just a little bit, off and on - until he feel comfortable in this new situation. This is an illustration of how babies go through stages, but sometimes they revert back to previous habits, seemingly a younger stage of development (one that you thought he was past!). It is all a part of growth.
Some people believe that denial breeds acceptance. For example: letting your baby cry themselves to sleep. The theory is that they will 'learn' to 'self soothe.' In reality, denial in that sense (of your presence to lull them into sleep) breeds giving up, detachment, and distrust. Will the baby exhibit the desired behavior? Eventually - perhaps. But at what cost? They end up detaching themselves emotionally from the close bond with mama. Humans are complicated beings - what you see displayed on the outside is not always reflecting what is going on inside. In effect, you are training your child to ignore their instincts and conform to outside expectations. This has resounding ramifications in the teen years and even adulthood. It goes against what we all wish for our children - that they be healthy and secure - they don't need to conform to what someone else thinks is right for their life!
The solution? Rejoice in your child's connection to you, and their connection to themselves. Give them what they need for today & realize that they will grow up and out of it and into a healthy, trusting secure independence. I am so fortunate to be able to stay at home with Finn full time. If that is not possible for you, the best thing to do is leave your baby with a loving and trusted relative or close friend - dad, grandma, etc. This is hard - I can't even imagine. I know for us, neither dad or grandma are an option. I am blessed.
The article really touched my heart and reassured me that, although the choices I am making in parenting aren't always easy, they will pay out in the end. Thus, I choose to view the whole issue as Finn's "Closeness Requirement." It is simply something that he needs - like air and milk and love, he needs me - for now.
I agree, in part, and my baby-babies are never required to be without me. But as they get older, they tend to want to see what level they can get out of you. "Can I make mom come running if I scream like someone pinched me?-no-how about if I cry like she just broke my heart?-there we go!"
ReplyDeleteIt's all about instinct. I can tell the difference in my children (if I pay attention, I realize not everyone wants to do this) between when they really and truly need their mother because something is wrong and when they just want to see what they can get away with. If we don't set a boundary of SOME sort, then it becomes chaos later.
I would like to disclaim that I don't believe in letting babies CIO before 1 yr. 1 yr has been the time all 3 of mine have moved from crying only when necessary to manipulation. I fully realize that this will be different for every child and my only goal with writing this is to say that we can certainly damage our children by not listening to their cues, but we can also damage them by going the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Obviously these are my opinions based on my experiences :P ;)
Tara - I totally agree, it's all about instinct - having that close bond with your kids to KNOW what they need. Keep in mind, I only have one baby who is ten months old, so mostly what he's needed so far has been mommy's comfort - when he falls, can't go to sleep, etc. I know the day is coming where this won't be the case (he'll be more independent, knowing of his actions and right and wrong), but God willing, I'll be in tune with him enough to know when that happens.
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